Legacy Of Love

There are times of the year, whispers on a breeze, a song, a smell that can fill me with feelings of love, deep sadness, hope, excitement, and sometimes, even paralyzing fear.

There is a version of myself I still grieve, at times, prior to Sept. 2013. A version full of confidence, energy, vision, passion, and plans. I felt almost invincible, and naively so.

It’s easy to visualize that fateful day, “there isn’t a cure,” to June 2015. In my writings, I describe it: “A runaway train is headed our way and there is no way to exit the tracks, only the option to cover my kids and pray we survive.”

I’m so thankful for all of those who surrounded us with love, and especially my parents - the outcome could’ve been extremely different without their continued presence and care even in the midst of their own grief. But, people do go back to their lives, their jobs, their families, their vacations, their plans, their futures… while my kids and I sat in the smoldering ashes of all that was our life and plans that had died.

Grace was 16. Sam turned nine. I had no answer to, “why didn’t God heal Dad.” I had no answer for myself as to how a Heavenly Father we worshipped did not grant the most pure, innocent request of a child who fell on his face crying, wailing, to God to, “Save my Daddy, PLEASE!”

Complete ashes.

But you have to go on.

This life is precious and it’s a legacy to the one you lose to find the first step, then the second until you start creating a new path. Smiles, honesty, tears, laughs, love, milestones, while always bittersweet now, I believe are felt more deeply because those moments aren’t just lived here, but in another’s deeply loved and missed soul over the shore.

Everything is felt a little deeper than before and that’s heavy and exquisite all at the same time.
These photos perfectly capture a moment of my life this past fall, when I clearly see the beauty that has emerged from those ashes.

… A woman, my baby girl, who is full of love and confidently starting her life, her career, her branch of the tree.

… A young man whose soul is older and wiser than his years, but contains a youthful curiosity and playfulness that makes him a joy to be around.

… A gray-haired girl who is no longer fearful of what others think, expect, say, or believe but is fully at home in knowing she can be weak, strong, passive, fierce, exhausted, energetic, quiet, passionate, and full of plans, all at the same time.

… A blended family not related by blood, but by life, relationships, grief, time, and hope.

What a legacy love can build if we only allow all our parts, pieces, and experiences to come to the table. Because hard times will come, and have. But I can attest it’s true we become more resilient at the broken places if we take the time to allow them to heal and let others in along the way.

To everything there is a time.

Selah.